For those of you who have been asking what the heck is bothering me, I have to ask you to be patient.
I never imagined that people could notice a change in the style and content of what someone posts to social media. Ok, so I did sound a little down, I admit it.
I am still coming to terms with it myself, and I am finding it very difficult to work it out in my own mind. Writing helps, but sometimes the writing becomes too dark and I have to stop.
My daughter texted me and asked me if I was alright, as she had noticed the darkness in my Facebook posts. I really didn’t want to tell her about it, because it was similar to what she was going through not even three months ago. I had tried to be objective and to tell her she shouldn’t feel so bad, but when you are the one going through it, you really can’t be told that it is just an emotion.
When it happens to you, it really does hurt. So I am going to send a public apology to everyone I have ever hurt. I really mean it, it sucks that I caused you this kind of pain, and I hope you can forgive me for inflicting that kind of pain to you.
Anyway, the sorting out process is difficult. I am really trying to avoid becoming bitter (no easy task, when sarcasm comes out without even thinking… so when you spend a lot of time thinking, the sarcasm has a venom to it that makes it really easy to hurt people). Bitterness is the starting point to hatred. I do not want to hate anyone. Hating is a good way to make a bad thing permanent…
But damn, it is so easy to want to hate. To make the person who has hurt you pay in the worst way.
Anyway, you probably can tell that I am not comfortable discussing this, and my daughter is the only one I have confided in about this. I really do not need my family in Quebec getting all distraught and trying to make me feel better. Pity sucks worse than feeling sorry for yourself. So rather than expect to get pitied by everyone, it is much better to just go on living and try like heck to put the negative feelings behind you.
But that damn venom is still in my mouth… I really need to spit it out and get back to the me that the world knows and loves (well most of the world – there are still a few third world countries and at least one person in Ocala that are ambivalent about me) and I am sure that I will.
Just please bear with me as I sort myself out. And leave me some comments to help me know that I am not alone!
A social media star recently took his own life after struggling with depression. I call him a star because he was well respected by many in the social media community. In hindsight, many who went through his final hours on Facebook say they could see a man who had already made up his mind that his life was over. But how could we as a community have prevented this?
Depression is something that we have all felt. It is a sinking feeling within our very souls, that we are lacking something we desperately need to give us joy. Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance. Most of the time it is just hormones or a consistent programming of our subconscious mind to believe that we need something to make us happy.
That still leaves us with the question: Are women really more depressed than ever?
Professor David Healey, director of psychological medicine at Cardiff University, thinks this is unlikely. Instead, he says, the leap in prescriptions for antidepressants may be seen as a triumph for drug company sales departments.
Drug companies have been trying really hard to make us believe we are more depressed than we should be, and that it is a medical condition. I went through a depression in the late 90’s, and the doctors tried using drugs to help me. The drugs made me numb to the world. They did not cure my depression. When they tried to switch the drugs on me, I almost had a nervous breakdown, and I actually had suicidal thoughts. The real cause was the way I was handling my relationship, but I did not want to blame myself for a failing relationship. Much better to just take the drugs.
Until I tried to take myself off those drugs. It took over 6 months, and my legs felt like they had electrodes pulsing electricity through them every few minutes. The sensation was terrible, and it took a long time to go away.
I wish I had had an opportunity to attend Celebrate Recovery back then. It wasn’t until I attended CR in 2008 that I actually got over my depression. I had mostly gotten away from it because I had thrown myself into my online work from 2007 onwards, and because I was too busy to think about it, I didn’t suffer from the intense lows that I used to have.
Every once in a while, I would come close, but usually getting in touch with one of my friends online would help me through it. But Celebrate Recovery helped me accept that I am not perfect, and that I can fail and still get up and brush myself off and try again. I never again thought of giving up.
Yesterday I got some bad news. I felt like I had gotten kicked in the stomach. The worst part was it came when I was away from home, I am in Canada to help my parents get packed up and then we are going to drive back home to Florida. But this bad news felt like a sucker punch.
Of course I could have seen it coming. It was all my fault, but when you pretend the problem doesn’t exist, you kind of hope it will go away. Mine didn’t go away in the way that I anticipated. The reason for the problem went away. So now I face the prospect of the drive to Florida to an empty house when I get home. I will survive, but I will definitely have to remember to forgive myself for my failures and dust myself off… because I will most certainly go on!
What you say is very powerful.
So is what you allow to affect you.
I have explained in a previous blog post what my home looks like, and I am in the process of getting out of there. But it will take some time, which I did not have when I worked at my job. So I left my job to make my own success story.
Things sometimes do not go as well as we plan them, but I do not let that get to me, instead I use them to my advantage, and even to motivate me.
But I was clobbered today.
My father came to make sure I was still alive because he hadn’t heard from me for the last few days. He was not pleased with my living conditions… he let me know this and then gave me a lecture about leaving my job when I am struggling and how I was a failure and always will be.
I am sure it was meant as some sort of intervention…
Or a motivation.
I have this uncanny ability to just let him talk and defuse his rants by just shutting up. Only today, he was hitting me below the belt and I did not just take it.
He asked me, “Do you really believe you can live like this without a job?”
“First of all, I don’t see this as being where I am going to be living for the rest of my life, and a couple of setbacks does not mean I can’t turn them around. I am not going to be living in these conditions much longer.” I spoke politely, but with a force that was not to be denied! After all, I have plans in place to make this all go away without a forest fire! I am training with some of the best minds in the world and I am not afraid to do what it takes to beat circumstances.
Circumstances are not something that you hide under.
You deal with them and move on. I was devastated after he drove off… felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I knew I had to go in and face my teenage daughters in the house, who knew what I had just been subjected to by the body language of the two of us.
Instead, I put on a smile and went in the house and said, “well that was pleasant!”
Inside I am still kind of numb, and I am using my blog as a therapist, since it is never a good idea to keep everything locked up inside. The more you talk through the hurt, the better you understand it for what it is.
A few minutes later the horn sounded outside and I looked out to see my dad’s van back in the driveway. I braced myself and went back outside and he asked me, “I forgot that I came over to ask you if you were coming over for Thanksgiving…”
Sometimes it is a strange thing to be a parent.
I am going to make damn sure I never call my children failures… because words are way too powerful to be thrown around lightly!
Have an amazing day!
PS – If you have a story that could be helpful to show how you have overcome situations like that where you were taken to the depths of brokenness and then found your way back, this would be a great place to tell them as a comment!
I appreciate every single reader, follower and friend that I have. It was not until I reached the lowest point in my life that I realized who I could count on!
Every Day… Your Ticket Is In Your Hand