When you have been with other people in your life for a long period of time, living alone is the loneliest thing imaginable. It makes all of the faults you had been finding in the people around you seem insignificant. Knowing you are not going to have to fight for the bathroom is not a victory, it wrenches your insides like a blow to the stomach.
So when I get started in the morning, having my cups of coffee, usually I start looking for products to post on WSOInsiders.com… But lately, I find that I am not focusing on anything. I remember that feeling before, when I was diagnosed with depression – and got hooked on the drugs that make you into a drone. Sure, I was smiling, but I never really felt much of anything.
I suppose I should be happy that I am not on the drugs, that I can feel. Feeling is what makes us human. But when you start missing hair in the bathtub and not getting any of the blankets at night… those are the symptoms of loneliness and they really make you feel human.
I am sure this too will pass. So please do not think I am ignoring you. I will be back to normal one way or another. I just hope it is not the medicated me that you see.
PS – In the wake of the tragedy in Newtown – my problems are small potatoes. I could not imagine the anguish that I would be feeling if I knew that my loved ones have been taken away from me by someone else. Of course, knowing I am responsible does little to console me.
When one door closes, another opens. I just have to make sure I can keep my eyes open and seeing so I don’t miss it.
For those of you who have been asking what the heck is bothering me, I have to ask you to be patient.
I never imagined that people could notice a change in the style and content of what someone posts to social media. Ok, so I did sound a little down, I admit it.
I am still coming to terms with it myself, and I am finding it very difficult to work it out in my own mind. Writing helps, but sometimes the writing becomes too dark and I have to stop.
My daughter texted me and asked me if I was alright, as she had noticed the darkness in my Facebook posts. I really didn’t want to tell her about it, because it was similar to what she was going through not even three months ago. I had tried to be objective and to tell her she shouldn’t feel so bad, but when you are the one going through it, you really can’t be told that it is just an emotion.
When it happens to you, it really does hurt. So I am going to send a public apology to everyone I have ever hurt. I really mean it, it sucks that I caused you this kind of pain, and I hope you can forgive me for inflicting that kind of pain to you.
Anyway, the sorting out process is difficult. I am really trying to avoid becoming bitter (no easy task, when sarcasm comes out without even thinking… so when you spend a lot of time thinking, the sarcasm has a venom to it that makes it really easy to hurt people). Bitterness is the starting point to hatred. I do not want to hate anyone. Hating is a good way to make a bad thing permanent…
But damn, it is so easy to want to hate. To make the person who has hurt you pay in the worst way.
Anyway, you probably can tell that I am not comfortable discussing this, and my daughter is the only one I have confided in about this. I really do not need my family in Quebec getting all distraught and trying to make me feel better. Pity sucks worse than feeling sorry for yourself. So rather than expect to get pitied by everyone, it is much better to just go on living and try like heck to put the negative feelings behind you.
But that damn venom is still in my mouth… I really need to spit it out and get back to the me that the world knows and loves (well most of the world – there are still a few third world countries and at least one person in Ocala that are ambivalent about me) and I am sure that I will.
Just please bear with me as I sort myself out. And leave me some comments to help me know that I am not alone!
A social media star recently took his own life after struggling with depression. I call him a star because he was well respected by many in the social media community. In hindsight, many who went through his final hours on Facebook say they could see a man who had already made up his mind that his life was over. But how could we as a community have prevented this?
Depression is something that we have all felt. It is a sinking feeling within our very souls, that we are lacking something we desperately need to give us joy. Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance. Most of the time it is just hormones or a consistent programming of our subconscious mind to believe that we need something to make us happy.
That still leaves us with the question: Are women really more depressed than ever?
Professor David Healey, director of psychological medicine at Cardiff University, thinks this is unlikely. Instead, he says, the leap in prescriptions for antidepressants may be seen as a triumph for drug company sales departments.
Drug companies have been trying really hard to make us believe we are more depressed than we should be, and that it is a medical condition. I went through a depression in the late 90’s, and the doctors tried using drugs to help me. The drugs made me numb to the world. They did not cure my depression. When they tried to switch the drugs on me, I almost had a nervous breakdown, and I actually had suicidal thoughts. The real cause was the way I was handling my relationship, but I did not want to blame myself for a failing relationship. Much better to just take the drugs.
Until I tried to take myself off those drugs. It took over 6 months, and my legs felt like they had electrodes pulsing electricity through them every few minutes. The sensation was terrible, and it took a long time to go away.
I wish I had had an opportunity to attend Celebrate Recovery back then. It wasn’t until I attended CR in 2008 that I actually got over my depression. I had mostly gotten away from it because I had thrown myself into my online work from 2007 onwards, and because I was too busy to think about it, I didn’t suffer from the intense lows that I used to have.
Every once in a while, I would come close, but usually getting in touch with one of my friends online would help me through it. But Celebrate Recovery helped me accept that I am not perfect, and that I can fail and still get up and brush myself off and try again. I never again thought of giving up.
Yesterday I got some bad news. I felt like I had gotten kicked in the stomach. The worst part was it came when I was away from home, I am in Canada to help my parents get packed up and then we are going to drive back home to Florida. But this bad news felt like a sucker punch.
Of course I could have seen it coming. It was all my fault, but when you pretend the problem doesn’t exist, you kind of hope it will go away. Mine didn’t go away in the way that I anticipated. The reason for the problem went away. So now I face the prospect of the drive to Florida to an empty house when I get home. I will survive, but I will definitely have to remember to forgive myself for my failures and dust myself off… because I will most certainly go on!
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