For those of you who have been asking what the heck is bothering me, I have to ask you to be patient.
I never imagined that people could notice a change in the style and content of what someone posts to social media. Ok, so I did sound a little down, I admit it.
I am still coming to terms with it myself, and I am finding it very difficult to work it out in my own mind. Writing helps, but sometimes the writing becomes too dark and I have to stop.
My daughter texted me and asked me if I was alright, as she had noticed the darkness in my Facebook posts. I really didn’t want to tell her about it, because it was similar to what she was going through not even three months ago. I had tried to be objective and to tell her she shouldn’t feel so bad, but when you are the one going through it, you really can’t be told that it is just an emotion.
When it happens to you, it really does hurt. So I am going to send a public apology to everyone I have ever hurt. I really mean it, it sucks that I caused you this kind of pain, and I hope you can forgive me for inflicting that kind of pain to you.
Anyway, the sorting out process is difficult. I am really trying to avoid becoming bitter (no easy task, when sarcasm comes out without even thinking… so when you spend a lot of time thinking, the sarcasm has a venom to it that makes it really easy to hurt people). Bitterness is the starting point to hatred. I do not want to hate anyone. Hating is a good way to make a bad thing permanent…
But damn, it is so easy to want to hate. To make the person who has hurt you pay in the worst way.
Anyway, you probably can tell that I am not comfortable discussing this, and my daughter is the only one I have confided in about this. I really do not need my family in Quebec getting all distraught and trying to make me feel better. Pity sucks worse than feeling sorry for yourself. So rather than expect to get pitied by everyone, it is much better to just go on living and try like heck to put the negative feelings behind you.
But that damn venom is still in my mouth… I really need to spit it out and get back to the me that the world knows and loves (well most of the world – there are still a few third world countries and at least one person in Ocala that are ambivalent about me) and I am sure that I will.
Just please bear with me as I sort myself out. And leave me some comments to help me know that I am not alone!